It's not really wedding season, per say, but dear God is it close. I can feel it. The Save-the-Dates are slowly trickling in. My debit card has retreated into its slot in my wallet; waiting and praying that there isn't a hotel to book, a dress to try on, or a gift to buy. I'm subconsciously looking for multi-event dresses - the ones that can be worn to a wedding and a bridal shower and then that other wedding two months later. (Change the shoes, change the accessories, add a sweater, BOOM. Whole new outfit.)
Now, before I continue I must add this tiny little disclaimer: this is not about the brides that have asked me to be in their weddings past, present, or future. I wouldn't trade standing next to any of you on your special day for anything. No, this is more of a rant. A rant about the things that a bridesmaid encounters during wedding season and not the friends and sisters that have shed their calm demeanor and witty personalities in the name of holy wedded bliss. This is intended to be funny, an exaggerated account of isolated instances in my perpetual, involuntary second career as a bridesmaid/wedding-goer.
I don't think I have the experience of Kathryn Heigel in "27 Dresses" but the 23 weddings I've been to and the 7 I've been in give me somewhat of a license to whine about it a little bit. I feel like the following list is a pretty standard chain of events for a bridesmaid, though I'm sure some would protest. Some of it is a blast and when well organized, turns out to be quite the event. Other things make me live tweet like my life depends on it because I can't deprive the world of this special kind of crazy.
Dress Shopping
Dress shopping comes in two forms: wedding dress shopping and bridesmaid dress shopping. Fortunately, the wedding dress shopping is often (not always) an event for the bride, her mother, her sister(s), the soon-to-be mother-in-law, and maybe a grandmother or two. Bridesmaids go, of course, but they don't usually have to and fortunately, I haven't been to many of these. Weddings are all about color coordination and any prepared bride knows that the easiest place to go to get a variety of styles, sizes and colors for the bridesmaids that all match is David's Bridal.
We'll pause here and talk about David's Bridal. It's a GIANT store with hundreds and hundreds of dresses separated by style, color, length, and any other defining characteristic that makes deciding that much easier. Then, some genius said "60 dressing rooms should do it." Who in their right mind thinks it's okay to put 60 girls in a giant room with their accompanying brides and have them try on $160 dollar dresses they're going to special order to wear for 6 hours? If that doesn't make them all go nuts, wait until they find out they're going to be getting minimal attention from the style consultant (because she's also helping 3 other bridal parties), and they'll sharing a dressing room with one or two girls they might not know that well and have to reveal to everyone that they didn't lay off the extra serving of mashed potatoes and have to go up a size. No one wants to be the fat bridesmaid. Even if you're all tiny.
Bridesmaids dresses are tricky because as they tell you in gym in middle school to boost your self esteem, no two people are alike. So, unless you handpicked your bridesmaids to be 5'4, 120 pounds, size B boobs and tan then you're not, let me repeat, NOT going to find a dress that looks great on everyone in the color you've had picked out since the day he proposed. Kudos for trying, David's Bridal. Your 40 different styles are a step in the right direction but me and that cheerleader and that six-foot ex-volleyball player are not all going to look good in that bright orange tea-length number with the empire waist. Good job, good effort.
Traveling
I want to be at your special day. But if that requires me to buy a $500 flight and book a hotel that even with your blocked-rooms discount is $150 a night then you'll have to forgive me for being selective. No one is happier that it's the most important day in your life and that you're getting married somewhere across the country that lines up with your perfect vision of the perfect wedding but I'm on a budget. And I have other trips I want to take in my 20's that don't involve spending 8 hours with 80 people I don't know.
Fortunately, I've only had a handful of weddings that I haven't been in a city where I knew someone and could crash on their couch. Just a friendly tip if you're planning a wedding: unless it's specifically a destination wedding meant to discourage unwanted family members and I'm gonna spend my down time on some exotic beach with an umbrella drink, keep it close to home. If I do have to travel, my gift to you is my presence and my commitment to giving it my all during the bouquet toss (as long as you don't play Single Ladies. Be a little more creative.)
Gifts
So let me get this straight, you want me to come to your 1. bridal shower 2. second bridal shower for college friends only 3. lingerie themed bachelorette party and 4. the wedding. Oh, and your book of wedding etiquette says I'm supposed to bring a gift to all of them AND help front the funds for food, alcohol, lodging, transportation, and invitations for at least one of those events? Right. So the $200 I'm spending on a dress and shoes so your wedding pictures look uniformed is not enough to show my undying love for you and your big day. I'll be at Bed, Bath and Beyond printing off registries if anyone needs me.
Open Bars
You're not having one? That's fine. We can work around that. Let's put our heads together and brainstorm ways I can get drunk before the reception or sneak alcohol in because there is no way in hell I'm doing any wedding duty sober that comes after you've exchanged rings. I hear they have really creative ways to conceal flasks these days. Also now would be an appropriate time for a shout out to the designers that put pockets in dress. You're the reason I keep doing this.
Plus Ones
There's some etiquette rule out there that says if you're not "dating, engaged, living together, or in a committed relationship" then you don't get a plus one. And this rule is bullshit. Mostly because none of those etiquette stipulations apply to me. There are very few things I like to do alone and going to weddings is not one of them. I'm sorry that you have to pay "...$100 for (insert date's name here) to eat..." but I have a list of guy friends that would be both entertaining and well-behaved at a wedding and in most cases, they're more fun than the loser your roommate from freshman year has been dating on and off for 6 months. If you're going to ask your friend to be in your wedding, at least give her someone that can join in either a) laughing hysterically at your dad's dance moves or b) doing the wobble while balancing a cupcake and a glass of red house wine. If nothing else, that plus one can be tasked with making sure my hand is never without a beverage. Drunk bridesmaids are happy bridesmaids.
Nosey Wedding Guests
This is by far my favorite. "Are you seeing anyone?" "Who is this guy you brought with you. Are ya'll dating?" "How do you feel that your little sister is tying the knot before you?" "Don't you want a man in your life, someone you can trust and rely on?"
Well I'll tell you how I feel about all of those questions: not a damn thing and no, it doesn't make me want to run home immediately and fill out my online dating profile. The best part about these questions is they're not only at weddings. I hear them at family functions, holidays, any time I go home, drinks with friends I haven't seen in a while, and when I casually mention to not-so-close coworkers that my "little sister got married last weekend." The reason this "wedding-ism" is one of my favorites is because I've turned it into somewhat of a game. I'm calling it "How long can I go answering these types of questions in the most creative way possible." (We'll work on the title.) To show you how it works, here's some I've used myself or stolen from popular movies and sitcoms when faced with these types of nosey family members:
"I'm not ready to stop sleeping with strangers I've met in bars"
"I want to finish all four seasons of Downton Abby on Netflix before I fully commit to another person."
"I don't like splitting bottles of wine with people."
"Actually, I'm flying to eight different states at some point during this year and don't feel like justifying that to anyone but myself."
So no, Cousin Susie who I haven't seen in years and I'm still not sure how we're related, marriage isn't on my radar. It's not even in that 5-year plan that my career adviser made me map out in college. I have more important things to do right now. Like visit the network of friends I've stretched across the country and go see a concert at every musical venue in Charlotte. And sure, one day I will find some that I love and trust but for now, I can check the oil in my car and change a tire and hang a picture pretty straight so unless this mystery guy can cook and feels like joining me on the couch for season 2 of "Orange is the New Black" then I'm not interested. The guy I brought with me to the wedding? He's actually going to get me a drink because I'll need another one before I attempt to go visit the rest of my family at table 8.
---
Despite my angry take on some pretty basic events, I love weddings. I love being around a ton of people that I know and love. I love getting dressed up, drinking free alcohol and dancing like I'm never gonna hear music again. I love the father-daughter dance and when the bride and groom smash cake into each other's faces. And I love watching two people commit to a lifetime of love, happiness and joint bank accounts. I also know that when a future bride asks you to be in her wedding, you don't say no. All of my negative thoughts about wedding season are driven by an industry that says "this is how it's done." I think people are held to a bunch of rules and norms that are out of date, arbitrary, and give them an excuse to say "I'm gonna do it this way" when they know deep down it's not really the right thing to do and the people closest to them feel the effects of it.
The good news is is that I'm out of sisters. The bad news is the second wave of friends are starting to get engaged or have entered into pretty serious relationships. More good news: I'm in a much better place financially and emotionally; so much so that when two of my better friends from Virginia asked me to be in their weddings this past year, I didn't even hesitate or complain about it to other people every time I had to book a flight or buy a dress. The slew of weddings I had right after college where I was broke and trying to figure out life on my own is a two-year blurry stretch of chiffon and cheap red wine and I wouldn't have traded any of it. I'm up to 23 weddings total, 7 that I've been in with one more MOH role on the horizon. I still avoid those guests that say things like "you're next!" or weddings where I have to confront people from my past I was sure I would never have see again.
Many bloggers and fashion magazines have said this is the year of minimalist weddings and people straying away from the Emily Post formal affairs that have gold leaf invitations and 4 forks that never get used correctly (Where is my tiny cake for my tiny fork?!). Fingers crossed - we might actually be witnessing the changing of the wedding industry.
A girl can dream, right?
No comments:
Post a Comment